Friendship is often treated as effortless in youth, something that naturally unfolds in school, work, or shared social circles. But as we enter adulthood, juggling careers, relationships, relocations, and responsibilities, it becomes clear that meaningful friendship is not automatic. It must be nurtured with intention.
In recognition of Older Americans Month, older adults across the country offered deeply personal and practical advice to those navigating friendship and community in their 20s and 30s. Their stories offer clarity, encouragement, and powerful reminders that friendship is one of life’s richest sources of connection, and it only grows more important with time.
Make Friendship a Selfless Act
“Put others first.”
— Richard Szafranski, Charlotte
It sounds simple, but it may be the single most important rule of meaningful relationships. Szafranski’s advice urges young adults to adopt a mindset of service and empathy. Whether it’s showing up for a friend in crisis or giving your time without expecting reciprocity, true friendship is built on the foundation of generosity.
In a culture that often promotes self-branding and individual gain, this is a countercultural but powerful lesson: by focusing less on yourself and more on how you can support others, you deepen the quality of every relationship from friendships to marriage and community.
Appearance Fades True Friendship Doesn’t
“We are not our looks. We are worthy of love no matter our exteriors.”
— Jeane Weigel, Truchas, New Mexico
In your 20s and 30s, appearance can feel like currency a way to earn attention, admiration, or even friendship. But as Jeane Weigel discovered through aging and health struggles, real friends don’t care if you’re dressed in your finest or wearing slippers and pajamas. They love you for who you are, not how you look.
More than that, her friendships helped her discover the kind of self-love that endures through physical decline. This insight is a reminder to prioritize the people who see your essence and to become that kind of friend for others.
Choose Compassion Over Judgment
“Who am I to judge?”
— Jerome Koncel, Schaumburg, Illinois
Friendship, like life, can be messy. People make decisions we don’t agree with about relationships, careers, lifestyles. When Jerome Koncel cut off a friend over a personal decision, he later came to regret it. Now, with the wisdom of age, he emphasizes the importance of listening rather than judging.
Instead of distancing yourself when a friend makes a controversial choice, try asking, “How can I support you?” Your presence during challenging times may become the defining moment of your friendship.
Friendship Is Work And Worth It
“Recurrent, small acts help build connection.”
— Meredith Fox, Bethesda
Friendships aren’t maintained through big reunions alone. They thrive through regular, small gestures a check-in text, a shared article, an offer to help during a stressful week. Meredith Fox reminds us that as life pulls people in different directions, only effort keeps friendships alive.
Whether your friend just had a baby, moved away, or started a demanding job, show them they’re still in your life. Because when life changes again during grief, illness, or celebration it’s these bonds that offer comfort and continuity.
Don’t Expect One Person to Be Everything
“A coach, a mentor, and a venting buddy not all in one.”
— Barbara Veltri, Lecce, Italy
In our 20s and 30s, we often seek a “perfect” friend who listens like a therapist, cheers us on like a coach, and offers deep wisdom like a mentor. But Barbara Veltri warns against expecting one person to fulfill every emotional need. It’s okay even healthy to diversify your support network.
Veltri’s own health crisis in early adulthood made her realize that even with a spouse and kids, she had to become her own anchor. Her advice? Appreciate each friend for their unique strengths and become your own advocate and ally when needed.
Family Can Become Friends
“Most of my friends are now my family.”
— Patricia Miller, Edgerton, Wisconsin
Sometimes friendship doesn’t come from the outside world, it comes from the people who’ve known you longest. Patricia Miller spent two decades away from home due to work and military service. When she finally reconnected with her siblings in midlife, she found not just family but friends.
If you’ve struggled to maintain social friendships, consider deepening your relationship with family. And if your family isn’t close, build your own chosen family through consistent connection and shared values.
Never Underestimate Small Gestures
“Taking an extra minute to listen matters.”
— Margaret Washa, Middleton, Wisconsin
In a world full of distractions and busyness, the act of being present is a gift. Whether it’s remembering a friend’s big meeting or simply listening without interrupting, these small gestures of attention create emotional closeness.
Your time and attentiveness may feel minor to you, but they can have a profound impact on someone else. This is the quiet magic of friendship.
Learn from People Around You
“Ask questions. Listen carefully. Value others.”
— Lynn Ochberg, Key Largo, Florida
Friendship isn’t just about finding people like you, it’s about learning from people different from you. Lynn Ochberg encourages young adults to engage with community members, even those who seem difficult or unfamiliar. She found that listening deeply and offering support, not solutions, built unity and belonging.
Kindness is a gateway to community. And community is where friendships grow.
Volunteer to Connect with Others
“I wish I’d understood the benefits of community involvement.”
— Paul Fior, Newcastle, Washington
If you’re seeking connection, look beyond your social life. Get involved in community groups, volunteer efforts, or local events. Not only will you meet people who share your interests and values, but you’ll contribute to something larger than yourself and that, in turn, enriches your sense of purpose.
Build Friendships Outside of Work
“Colleague friendships fade when jobs end.”
— Marshall Collins, Point, Texas
It’s easy to rely on coworkers for connection, especially in your 20s and 30s. But as Marshall Collins learned, workplace friendships often don’t survive job changes or relocations. He regrets not forging relationships outside of his professional life.
Build ties in your neighborhood, hobbies, faith community, or volunteer work. That’s where lasting friendships often live free from job titles and performance reviews.
Friendship Is a Lifelong Practice
These reflections from older Americans share one core truth: meaningful friendships don’t happen by accident. They’re the product of intentional effort, vulnerability, and love offered consistently over time.
In your 20s and 30s, the seeds of lifelong friendship are planted. Tend to them well. Show up. Apologize when you mess up. Celebrate your friends’ wins. Sit with them during their losses. Be honest. Be kind. Be patient. And above all, be present.
Because the friendships you build now may just be the ones holding your hand or reminding you of your worth decades down the line.
Key Takeaways:
- Make effort and initiate don’t wait for others.
- Judge less, listen more.
- Accept and offer unconditional support.
- Diversify your friendships no one person can be everything.
- Invest in community beyond work or school.
It’s never too late to be a better friend. But it’s also never too early.
